Can you just BE?

Today I begin by asking a clichéd question. What does success mean to you? Do you consider yourself successful? If yes or no, what parameters helped you decide that? Let me take a guess. Irrespective of who you are and what roles you play in this world, your success (or the lack of it) would be linked to something you did (or didn’t). You would obviously consider yourself a success if you excelled at something you did.

As humans, we have been trained, since childhood, to ‘become’ someone, to live a life of productivity, a life of achievements. Children are often asked this question about who they wish to ‘become’ when they grow up, with adults cheering any socially prestigious position for an answer, like a scientist, doctor, astronaut, actor or the likes of that. While there is nothing wrong with this practice per se, let us explore the flipside of it today. This practice, imbibed in peoples’ minds since childhood, makes them restless throughout their lives. The need to achieve, the need to ‘do’, creates a sense of constant dissatisfaction, frustration and even despair at times.

Have you ever paused to consider this – How do you feel when you are doing nothing, but just being? Do you feel peace or joy emanating from your being?

Without your titles, your position, your tasks, can you just BE?

Do you consider that a waste of time and energy? As a society, we have been taught that we are only as important as what we achieve or do. When viewed from the lens of society, hard work and perseverance are useful traits, even necessary ones. However, the darker aspect of this childhood training is that we never learn to accept or appreciate ourselves for who we are, right here right now.  Worse still, we find it difficult to allow ourselves to be present and witness life as it flows past us, even for some amount of time on a daily basis. Our checklists, ambitions and desires keep pushing us to be on the run, beating us up internally for not already getting there.

It is heartening to see some adults take the effort to work on themselves to learn to pause and reflect, taking stock of what matters and how much. But this also becomes crucial for those who are responsible for the upbringing of the next generation. When I get the opportunity to engage in conversations with parents regarding this, it makes for an interesting debate. They often argue about the need to have a goal, the importance of ambition and the relevant advantages of these. I don’t deny the same. The advancements in science and technology that we see today are a result of the hard work of millions of minds. It is the same people who wanted to make a mark or achieve something, who went ahead and took the effort to create these things. However, I differ in the approach taken to this.

Even if the end results of success were the most important, the way you get there could be worth it as well. Yet, what I see in the world around me is a deep sense of dissatisfaction and guilt, which doesn’t let most people live in peace. Achievements are important, yes. But success doesn’t need to be achieved by being at loggerheads with who a person is.

Can a sense of curiosity and creativity stemming from the joy of making a difference not be sufficient to drive growth and innovation?

Somehow, a child playing cricket very well is often not enough. You will soon hear someone comment, “He can be the next Virat Kohli!” While that may seem like a very optimistic and positive comment, it makes me wonder, can the child not enjoy his game of cricket as it is? I have found myself guilty of similar thoughts as well. When my daughter began to learn skating, my mind was racing ahead already, wondering if she would be go ahead to excel at it and compete in tournaments or if it was going to be just another skill for her. I was often amused to catch myself thinking on these lines while holding contrary beliefs about it. Such is our own training since childhood towards achievement and success.

Ambition is important. Yet, what is more important is the driver for that ambition. When ambition is driven by a sense of competition, a need to outperform peers and a desire for fame and recognition, the resulting journey passes through the route of frustration, blame-games, compromises and even guilt. But what if this could be changed? What if we could drive to the same destination through a better and more enjoyable route?

When ambition is driven by a desire to change something, a need to make a positive contribution to the world and an urge to utilize one’s capabilities optimally, the resultant journey could pass through the path of perseverance, compassion and friendship.

The logic behind it is simple. To excel at something is a comparative quality, it requires one to outperform others. But when bringing change is part of the equation, taking people along is inevitable. What would be different if confidence and curiosity were the only drivers of ambition and not the need to prove oneself?

We, and our parents, and maybe their parents too, have all borne testimony to the parenting style of making kids competitive and action-oriented. Have we all achieved unparalleled success in life without paying any price for it? Most people I speak to in my generation seem to have a gnawing sense of disappointment or dissatisfaction about life. This seems to be true for most people, across positions, across income levels and across social strata. If this dissatisfaction were only a result of certain levels of achievements, then it shouldn’t be present in people who have surpassed it. Yet, when this cuts across levels, the problem seems to lie elsewhere. Most people have been taught to live life with one foot in the future. Every joy, every source of happiness, they have been told, will come to be when they achieve certain goals and cross certain milestones. Yet, goals keep shifting and milestones keep moving, without much shift in their inner experiences. Needless to say, as goals are accomplished, they do get a temporary sense of satisfaction, with the dopamine kicking into the system. Yet, that doesn’t last long enough. This makes one wonder, what is the source of that elusive feeling of contentment? Here is where I wish to pose the crucial question – have you experienced a sense of satisfaction in just being you?

Today, the thought I wish to generate within you is this – What will it take for you to be comfortable with who you are? As you may continue to do whatever it is that you do, and even achieve great successes, what can make you feel content and complete within? I am not asking you to feel this sense of completion the same day as you begin this exercise. I am asking you to make a start somewhere. If I ask you to sit back and reflect, can you spend some time with just your ‘being’? Not your work, not your roles, not your people, just you. There is also immense benefit to spending time with your being. When you learn to pause, along with it comes the reflection, introspect & observation. You learn about yourself better. You begin to gain such clarity on yourself that years of reading or working cannot get you. When this introspection occurs, the resultant change is what converts your bookish knowledge to wisdom. Wisdom comes when you have understood and implemented a new learning long enough for it to become a part of your innate nature, a part of your being.

Meditation is one of the ways we can spend time with our being. It is a beautiful and highly recommended way to ‘just be’. Yet, the struggle for humans to ‘just be’ is so real that even there we need to give the mind something to ‘do’. We need a mantra, a visual, some music, anything that can keep our minds occupied. Despite that, we often fail to just be. Irrespective of whether meditation is meant for you or not, just ‘being’ is meant for everyone. It is the pause, the silence or just the sheer presence of yourself. If you can begin to practice this for a few minutes every day, you can start building the muscle of ‘being’. This muscle, when strong, can help a person immensely in everyday activities as well as the biggest goals of his life.

Everything a person does stems from who he is.

Hence, with practice, when he can master his inner being, it will reflect in the most beautiful ways in his outer world. By mastery, I don’t mean self-realization or even self-actualization. By mastery, I mean the ability to be comfortable in who you are, to be reflective, adaptive to change and learning to grow – all of these stemming from your ‘being’, not from the ‘doing’.